Lance's Funeral

We had Lance's funeral on June 20, 2007. It was rough and I lost it a few times. I kept my composure until we were standing guard of the casket while all the friends and family said goodbye in the funeral home. Lance's mom broke down and cried and screamed. I had tears.

We held the casket which wasn't as heavy as I thought, and the two doors to the funeral home opened up to the entire Lodi Fire Department saluting us. I wanted to cry but kept my composure.

We went to the firehouse where we backed in and they raised the bay doors for his final call. The Lodi dispatcher read off a great speech which i put on LodiFire.com, and I watched as grown men wept like kids.

We brought him to the crematorium and that was that. I never completely lost composure but I had eyes full of tears the entire day - especially at the church where the friends and family touched the casket to say goodbye and AJ handed Maggie Lance's helmet. I've seen that in movies, recently in Ladder 49, but to see it in life touches your heart. It was very hard to experience.

Lance Died

Saturday night I got a call from AJ telling me that actions were being taken to take Lance off his respirator. A few hours later I got confirmation that he had passed.

I went down to the firehouse and stayed with the guys for a bit. The following day, I confirmed with the chief that I wanted to be a pall bearer for Lance's casket. He will be cremated and Greg will take his urn with him until the first house fire. This was Lance's wish for years going back, one he never wrote down but had made a point to us on a few different occassions.

He, ironically, had made me put together a memorial piece for the website with bagpipes playing Amazing Grace just in case someone died on the Fire Dept. He is the second person to make use of the memorial.

Another piece of irony is that directly under Lance's memorial picture is the picture you see to the left, which was him at his last house fire, the basement fire on John St. where I smashed my thumb.

The next two days are going to be extremely tough. I am not prepared to see his little boy, Jake. Also, this will be my first Fire Department funeral, so I am in no way prepared for what I am about to experience.

Lance (pt 1)

Friday evening, while at the race track, I received a phone call from John P that, as my friend Stephanie says, turned my face immediately white. Lance had a stroke and was in very bad shape. I went down to the fire house asap and waited with the guys until 3am, receiving bits of info here and there and sharing some beers and concerns. I woke up Saturday morning to the tones going off for an emergency meeting at HQ, which I thought would be it.

At the meeting, I saw my own fire chief, one of the toughest men I know, weep over his best friend's condition. I fought tears as much as I could but when I drove back to my house, I put the car in park in the driveway and cried harder than I have in years. I came inside and ate like a mongrel, and went back to the firehouse to finish cleaning up. I went home to catch an hour's nap, which never happened b/c Kate was home with my cousin and little sister, but I did manage to sleep for about 10 mins.

Upon returning to the firehouse, 6 of us took an awkward car ride to the hospital to visit lance. Greg and AJ tried to prepare us outside, and they did the best they could. We all walked like soldiers, in 2 lines wearing the same company shirt, into the room and said our goodbyes and thank you's.

I thanked him for everything he's given me and taught me, and for always having my back. He defended me whenever people got on my back about the website, or about a judgement call at a firecall, or whatever. He was always there and this is not easy in any way.

Last night a priest came by Greg's house to talk to us, but he was little help. I explained my frustration at this point because we are all problem solvers, that's what we do, but now Lance has a problem and we can't solve it. We can't help him. Even though he always helped us, we can't do anything for him and that sucks - bad.

Maybe it was the caffeine or maybe not but I barely slept last night, I fell asleep around 3, got up at 4 to go to the bathroom, and slept okay from 430 to 630. It's hitting me hard and I'm very depressed over this. I told my mom, and I felt weird but it's true - this has hit me much harder than when my own grandmother passed - being that at least we expected that. Also, Lance was a brother and a great friend to me, and I looked up to him greatly.

The near future will be extremely difficult.