Lance (pt 1)

Friday evening, while at the race track, I received a phone call from John P that, as my friend Stephanie says, turned my face immediately white. Lance had a stroke and was in very bad shape. I went down to the fire house asap and waited with the guys until 3am, receiving bits of info here and there and sharing some beers and concerns. I woke up Saturday morning to the tones going off for an emergency meeting at HQ, which I thought would be it.

At the meeting, I saw my own fire chief, one of the toughest men I know, weep over his best friend's condition. I fought tears as much as I could but when I drove back to my house, I put the car in park in the driveway and cried harder than I have in years. I came inside and ate like a mongrel, and went back to the firehouse to finish cleaning up. I went home to catch an hour's nap, which never happened b/c Kate was home with my cousin and little sister, but I did manage to sleep for about 10 mins.

Upon returning to the firehouse, 6 of us took an awkward car ride to the hospital to visit lance. Greg and AJ tried to prepare us outside, and they did the best they could. We all walked like soldiers, in 2 lines wearing the same company shirt, into the room and said our goodbyes and thank you's.

I thanked him for everything he's given me and taught me, and for always having my back. He defended me whenever people got on my back about the website, or about a judgement call at a firecall, or whatever. He was always there and this is not easy in any way.

Last night a priest came by Greg's house to talk to us, but he was little help. I explained my frustration at this point because we are all problem solvers, that's what we do, but now Lance has a problem and we can't solve it. We can't help him. Even though he always helped us, we can't do anything for him and that sucks - bad.

Maybe it was the caffeine or maybe not but I barely slept last night, I fell asleep around 3, got up at 4 to go to the bathroom, and slept okay from 430 to 630. It's hitting me hard and I'm very depressed over this. I told my mom, and I felt weird but it's true - this has hit me much harder than when my own grandmother passed - being that at least we expected that. Also, Lance was a brother and a great friend to me, and I looked up to him greatly.

The near future will be extremely difficult.